But if he were to describe himself for a LRB ad, he’d have to make himself sound like a circus freak or monstrous horror movie creature in order to get anyone’s attention.
David Rose has compiled (named for the delightful ad “They call me Naughty Lola.
This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. ), Jessica (fingered); 1998—Anna again (big mistake), receptionist at my second temp job (possibly called Helena), Becky (I was in love but she went back to her boyfriend); 1999—Jeremy’s girlfriend; 2000-01—Karolina (deported); 2002—woman at nightclub, woman at nightclub, woman at nightclub, woman at Stewart’s barbecue, Stewart (accidental coming together of groins, the three of us were naked and very, very drunk), woman at nightclub; 2003-2006—Evil Satanic Bitch Whore; 2007—the Internet. Most partners cite the importance of having a loved one who will listen and understand them.
[London Review of Books]-reading women to 35—don’t pretend your relationships have been any less incongruous and unsatisfying. Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible. Anything you’ve got to say can be said to my lawyer. Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals.
If Douglas Adams, Terry Gilliam, and Nein Quarterly had ever hired themselves out to write personals for others, they would have sounded a lot like these: If intense, post-fight sex scares you, I’m not the woman for you (amateur big-boned cage wrestler, 62) I like my women the way I like my kebab. Cynics (and some cheap Brentwood psychiatrists) may say ‘pathological liar’, but I like to use ‘creative with reality’.Attached but unfaithful London male, 60, seeks female counterpart. You’re a brunette, 6’, long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tyres of your Beamer. My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer. WLTM man to 45 who doesn’t name his genitals after German chancellors.I promise an intensity of sexual joy unexpected in the LRB. The complete list of my sexual conquests: 1994-1995—Anna; 1996—Julia, Alison; 1997—Italian girl at Karl’s party, Claire (Clare? I, on the other hand, am 4’10”, have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. You know who you are and, no, I don’t want to meet either Bismarck, Bethmann Hollweg, or Prince Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst, however admirable the independence he gave to secretaries of state may have been. I smoke, I drink, I talk waaaay too much and think even more than that, I swear like a longshoreman, I’m usually covered in dog hair, I do not order salad as a full meal, I always want to Talk About It, I might be funnier than you, I want to be taken care of but hate feeling weak, I’m completely disorganized, I will keep cuddling until you pry me off you (and so will my dogs), I say “awesome” a lot, I don’t lie even if it’s easier, I tell my girlfriends everything, I expect to come, and I’ve been told repeatedly that I scare the crap out of men. David Rose admits that there are some ads that are so "out there" that they are probably placed by people with other motivations."There are some who are probably not that interested in finding a partner.